Here is September’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.
Dear Shelby,
My son is 15. I just found “sexting” and sexual pictures exchanged between him and his girlfriend. What should I do?
Signed, Freaking Out!
Dear Freaking Out,
I spoke with three families in one week about this same issue. Teenagers have so many more options to explore their sexual selves in ways that can really come back to haunt them. And they don’t have the cognitive development to really understand the long term consequences of texts and pictures that can be saved, forwarded to friends, and photographed in a screen shot and uploaded to all kinds of social media sites. I had a 14 years old girl in my office who was humiliated by a topless “selfie” she took that ended up on Facebook.
I would encourage you to get calm before you approach your son. The last thing you want to do is shame him and create unhealthy ideas about himself and sex. Although what he is doing seems shocking, it is really a natural result of normal adolescent sexual development and living in a world that is technology and online-focused. I suggest you calmly let him know you have seen the texts and pictures and, before you share your thoughts, ask him how he feels about communicating with his girlfriend this way. He may get upset that you saw these things, but if you can stay calm and don’t get hooked into a power struggle, you may get to have a real, vulnerable discussion about his sense of self, his relationships, and your hopes for him. Kids need to know their parents can handle talking about sex and they need to hear what their parents’ values are about how to handle sexual issues.
After he mumbles his responses at you and says, “I don’t know” a hand full of times, it is your turn to share your values. Do you see sex as a natural part of growth and identity development, something to be explored freely? Do you see sex as something sacred between two people in a long-term committed relationship? Share your ideas about what healthy sexual expression looks like. Share your concerns about his use of texting and sharing photos that can go public in an instant, either by mistake, excitedly oversharing in poor judgment, or in an act of anger during a break-up. (I know, I know, your son and his girlfriend will never break up!) Your son might not choose to adopt your value system, but most teens secretly would like to know what their parents think about these things, and your words will plant seeds for future decisions he will need to make.
When setting new limits around his use of the phone and internet, you have every right to limit his access to certain social media sites, phone privileges, and internet use. If this is a first offense, I suggest allowing him some contact with friends and his phone, but let him know you will be supervising and monitoring him (get all passwords, and let him know the phone gets yanked if your password doesn’t work). This isn’t “punishment” but a response to his actions—you have learned he needs a little help making good choices with the content he shares.
When it comes to his relationship with his girlfriend, try to avoid using terms like “condone” and “permission.” Kids are aware that their words and bodies belong to them and they don’t need your permission to use them. Kids hear words like “forbid” and “permission” and sometimes take them as a challenge to assert their free will and individuality from the family system. I have found phrases like, “What my hope for you is,” and “What I want for you” to be very helpful. They allow you to be clear about your values without making demands on your teen. Try to include the idea that sex is a healthy part of life, that it can be a beautiful, fun, exciting part of a relationship. Acknowledge that your teen will make his own decisions and let him know that you will always love him no matter what decisions he chooses around sex. You can remind him about STDs, pregnancy, and the way sexual intimacy can fast-forward a relationship in ways he may not desire or be ready for. I always like to include a piece about self-respect and making choices from a place of love for self, not from a place of fear or peer pressure. You can set limits around the kind of time he can spend with his girlfriend, and you can have rules about not being in a room with the door closed while they are at your house.
And lastly, remember that this won’t be one giant, heavy conversation. He will mess up again. The most important thing you can do is create a feeling of safety and acceptance, as well as offer guidance and information without sounding scared, judgmental, or controlling. (A tall order, I know—but you can do it!) One mom told me, “My daughter isn’t the same sweet, innocent girl I thought she was.” My response—Yes, yes, she is. Part of your work in all of this is remembering that despite the shocking words and photos you have seen, your son is still the sweet, lovable, wonderful kid he was before you saw those things on his phone. He is fifteen—developmentally, his actions are on target—they are messy, they are scary, and he needs your intervention to help him make healthy choices for himself.
As always, if you feel like you need some help with this, or if you think your son would benefit from talking with someone outside the family, you can always schedule an appointment with a therapist to help you through this super-charged issue. I wish you the best,
Shelby
Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC. She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT). Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.com for useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.
Philaburban Mom 