Ask Shelby: Parenting Teens

Here is September’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

My son is 15.  I just found “sexting” and sexual pictures exchanged between him and his girlfriend.  What should I do?                       

Signed, Freaking Out!

Dear Freaking Out,

I spoke with three families in one week about this same issue.  Teenagers have so many more options to explore their sexual selves in ways that can really come back to haunt them.  And they don’t have the cognitive development to really understand the long term consequences of texts and pictures that can be saved, forwarded to friends, and photographed in a screen shot and uploaded to all kinds of social media sites.  I had a 14 years old girl in my office who was humiliated by a topless “selfie” she took that ended up on Facebook. 

I would encourage you to get calm before you approach your son.  The last thing you want to do is shame him and create unhealthy ideas about himself and sex.  Although what he is doing seems shocking, it is really a natural result of normal adolescent sexual development and living in a world that is technology and online-focused.  I suggest you calmly let him know you have seen the texts and pictures and, before you share your thoughts, ask him how he feels about communicating with his girlfriend this way.  He may get upset that you saw these things, but if you can stay calm and don’t get hooked into a power struggle, you may get to have a real, vulnerable discussion about his sense of self, his relationships, and your hopes for him.  Kids need to know their parents can handle talking about sex and they need to hear what their parents’ values are about how to handle sexual issues. 

After he mumbles his responses at you and says, “I don’t know” a hand full of times, it is your turn to share your values.  Do you see sex as a natural part of growth and identity development, something to be explored freely?  Do you see sex as something sacred between two people in a long-term committed relationship?  Share your ideas about what healthy sexual expression looks like.  Share your concerns about his use of texting and sharing photos that can go public in an instant, either by mistake, excitedly oversharing in poor judgment, or in an act of anger during a break-up.  (I know, I know, your son and his girlfriend will never break up!)  Your son might not choose to adopt your value system, but most teens secretly would like to know what their parents think about these things, and your words will plant seeds for future decisions he will need to make.

When setting new limits around his use of the phone and internet, you have every right to limit his access to certain social media sites, phone privileges, and internet use.  If this is a first offense, I suggest allowing him some contact with friends and his phone, but let him know you will be supervising and monitoring him (get all passwords, and let him know the phone gets yanked if your password doesn’t work).  This isn’t “punishment” but a response to his actions—you have learned he needs a little help making good choices with the content he shares.

When it comes to his relationship with his girlfriend, try to avoid using terms like “condone” and “permission.”  Kids are aware that their words and bodies belong to them and they don’t need your permission to use them.  Kids hear words like “forbid” and “permission” and sometimes take them as a challenge to assert their free will and individuality from the family system.  I have found phrases like, “What my hope for you is,” and “What I want for you” to be very helpful.  They allow you to be clear about your values without making demands on your teen.  Try to include the idea that sex is a healthy part of life, that it can be a beautiful, fun, exciting part of a relationship.  Acknowledge that your teen will make his own decisions and let him know that you will always love him no matter what decisions he chooses around sex.  You can remind him about STDs, pregnancy, and the way sexual intimacy can fast-forward a relationship in ways he may not desire or be ready for.  I always like to include a piece about self-respect and making choices from a place of love for self, not from a place of fear or peer pressure.  You can set limits around the kind of time he can spend with his girlfriend, and you can have rules about not being in a room with the door closed while they are at your house.  

And lastly, remember that this won’t be one giant, heavy conversation.  He will mess up again. The most important thing you can do is create a feeling of safety and acceptance, as well as offer guidance and information without sounding scared, judgmental, or controlling.  (A tall order, I know—but you can do it!) One mom told me, “My daughter isn’t the same sweet, innocent girl I thought she was.”  My response—Yes, yes, she is.   Part of your work in all of this is remembering that despite the shocking words and photos you have seen, your son is still the sweet, lovable, wonderful kid he was before you saw those things on his phone.  He is fifteen—developmentally, his actions are on target—they are messy, they are scary, and he needs your intervention to help him make healthy choices for himself.

As always, if you feel like you need some help with this, or if you think your son would benefit from talking with someone outside the family, you can always schedule an appointment with a therapist to help you through this super-charged issue.  I wish you the best,

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.com for useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

 

Ask Shelby–Motivating My 9-Year-Old Son

Here is July’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

 

Our 9 year old son is arguing with us more and more.  He often yells to get his point across, and regularly refuses to do his chores when first asked.  We put him in time out, but it doesn’t seem to change his behavior.   It is also very difficult to get him interested in any sports, or outdoor activities.  My husband and I are both very athletic.  Any tips?

 

Signed,

Perturbed Parents

Dear Perturbed Parents,

We have worked with so many families like yours.  It can be hard to figure out how to motivate your child, and how to deal with difficult outbursts.  I will turn this question over to my associate, Matt McFadden, LCSW, for his response:

Matt says: “I will answer the second part of the question first as it may help shed some light on the frustrating behaviors you mention in the first part of the question.  Every child (and every person for that matter) longs to be known, loved and accepted for who they are, just as they are.  After the basic needs for survival, this may be the greatest common need we all share.

There are many different personality types, often in the same family.  It is helpful to have a sense of your own personality type and your son’s so that you are not asking too many things of him that run counter to who he sees himself to be.  A very basic and enjoyable introduction to these concepts is available in a book called The Enneagram of Parenting by Elizabeth Wagele.

It does not sound like your son is very interested in sports or physical activity.  What is he interested in doing?  The first advice I would offer is to let your son know that you are interested in what he likes, and make time every day to play with him in an activity of his choosing.  During this time, he leads, you follow.  You are not his parent during this time, just a playmate interested in spending time with him doing something he loves.  This regular practice will mean a great deal to him, and may itself actually solve some of the other behavior problems.

You and your husband are athletic.  That is wonderful!  You are great role models for him about leading a healthy lifestyle.  As kids get older and become adults themselves, it is this modeling that will stick with them and help determine their own behavior.  Instead of becoming frustrated trying to get him interested in a sport, I would suggest spending time each day (or as often as possible) as a family outdoors, engaged in an enjoyable physical activity (which he can sometimes choose).  Climbing trees? Great.  Hide and seek? Wonderful.  Kickball? Awesome.  Race around the house? You get the picture.  Playing sports might have been great for you.  It might not be his thing.  But modeling and helping him find fun ways to be physically active will help him now and in the future.

Time-Outs can be an effective part of a system of accountability and behavioral change for your child.  Time-Outs, though, by themselves, do not change behavior.  They merely stop a negative behavior which is occurring, provide time/space to calm down, ponder one’s actions, etc. There are many systems available to help children increase their behavioral accountability.  There are some central themes, however, which increase the effectiveness of whatever system you choose.

1.)    Empathize when your child has strong (or any) feelings.  This is one of the most important things you can do as a parent.  Let your child know that you can see that they are angry, sad, frustrated, embarrassed, etc., and that you accept them having this feeling, you understand.  This does not mean that you accept the behavior that accompanies the feeling, or that you have to give in to a demand which accompanies the feeling.  You are just letting them know that you see them, and you are with them and accept them just as they are.  This is also extremely important for younger children who are just beginning to experience their feelings.  Your empathy and naming of the feeling helps them to learn about the feelings they are experiencing, and to know that all feelings are okay, even strong ones.  Most kids will learn to stuff the feelings they think are unacceptable to you, and this can lead to mental health issues or behavioral problems down the road.

2.)    Establish clear behavioral expectations.  Even though all feelings are acceptable, not all behaviors are acceptable.  It can take time for children to differentiate between feelings and the behaviors that they feel compelled to engage in when they feel a certain way.  The best way to help them in this process is first to empathize with the feeling you see/hear (#1 above), and then to be clear about what your family’s behavioral expectations are, (and to make sure the adults are modeling this as well).  Make it your goal that your child not be surprised that their negative behavior is resulting in a consequence.  If they talk back to you and you put them in time out without ever having had a conversation that this behavior will result in a time out, the child will not be able to fully experience the consequences of their actions, and the power of their choices.  It is always best to discuss these expectations during a time of calm, and to involve your child in determining what the proper consequence should be.  This will increase their compliance with the consequence.

3.)    Follow through consistently with consequences.  If your child hits you one time and you put them in time out, then the next time they hit you the behavior is ignored, they will become confused.  It is extremely important that you follow through consistently.  (Warning! This can be much harder to practice than it sounds).

4.)    Use natural consequences whenever possible.  A natural consequence is connected to the behavior exhibited.  For example, if you have told your child it is not okay to bounce a ball in the house and they keep bouncing a ball in the house, tell them they can take the ball outside to bounce it, or you will take the ball away.  Natural consequences make sense to kids.

Regarding chores, it is often best to take yourself out of the role of “chore master”, as you then become someone to argue with.  It is always easier to argue than to do what is needed.  I would recommend having a family discussion about responsibilities, and the need for all family members to pitch in.  Talk to your child about what chores you would like them to do and see how they feel about it.  Then create a chore chart (perhaps with some incentive for completion).  This takes you out of the role of chore master and a potentially negative interactional pattern with your child.

If you try these tips and don’t see any progress, or things seem to be getting worse, I would recommend a consultation with a mental health professional who has experience working with kids and families.”

We hope this response is the start of some helpful answers to your parenting dilemma, and we hope you know we are available to support you, if needed.

Yours,

Shelby (and Matt)

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

2-Year Subscription to Parenting Magazine – $9!!!!

2-Year Subscription to Parenting Magazine

24 Issues of Parenting or Parenting School Years (Pay $9) or 

24 Issues of Parenting and 24 Issues of Parenting School Years (Pay $18)

The magazines will teach you everything you need to know about your kids: how to keep them healthy, enrich their lives, dress them for less, support them emotionally, and perhaps most important of all, whip up easy, healthy meals that they’ll actually enjoy. Down-to-earth, funny, and always on-target, these glossies will be one of the smartest investments you make as a parent.

Ask Shelby: Better Mothering

Here is May’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

With Mother’s Day this month, I’m realizing I’m not always being the kind of mother I want to be. I yell more than I’d like, I’m not always as patient or kind or attentive as I want to be. How can I turn things around?

Signed, Exasperated Mom

Dear Exasperated,

I think most parents feel this way at some point or another. It’s hard to be as kind, patient, and consistent as we want to be as parents when the stress of daily life makes it feel like the to-do list will never be done. The first thing I will suggest is to make sure you are taking good care of yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep, eat well, get some exercise, and have time for things you enjoy (movies, running, knitting, reading, etc.). Everyone needs stress relief so they can function at their best. Small efforts to “fill your tank” will go a long way in helping you be a better mom.

I will also suggest visualizing how you want to act as a mother. When you wake up in the morning, take 60 seconds to sit or lay in bed and picture yourself kindly, patiently interacting with your kids. As you drive home from work or errands, visualize yourself mothering in the way you value. The more intentional you can be, the more you will respond to your kids in ways you like, and not just react to them out of stress or impatience.

Here are a few other suggestions I often use with clients:

1. Whisper instead of yell. Getting down to your kid’s eye level and quietly but firmly giving them a directive can be much more effective than yelling. It models self-control, it shows them you have the power (when you yell and seem out of control it can seem like they have the power to drive you to the point of losing it), it reduces any fear kids might have about loud yelling and that overall chaotic feel of a house filled with yelling, and it eliminates the humiliation kids feel when yelled at in public.

2. 5:1 ratio of positive/affirming comments to corrective/negative comments. Catch your child being good. Notice when they are kind, polite, caring, funny. “Thank you for waiting patiently.” “Wow, your picture is so colorful.” “That was a funny joke.” “I love to listen to you sing.” Kids and adults need lots of positive affirmation every day.

3. Spend time with your child playing and being in the moment. We all have those days where it feels like all we do is boss our kids around and try to contain the chaos. Today, create opportunities where you can simply enjoy life with your child. Go for a nature walk and look at leaves and flowers. (Be patient, go slow, look at all the bugs and dandelions your kid points out.) Go to a park and play tag. Color together. Ride bikes. Be in the moment. Choose not to juggle laundry, phone calls, and paying attention to your child. Find 10 or 20 or 30 minutes a couple of times today that can be all about being in relationship with them.

The fact that you are aware of your mothering behaviors and want better for your family tells me you are already a pretty wonderful mom!

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC. She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT). Remember to check out Shelby’s website http://www.shelbyrileymft.com for useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Ask Shelby, Kids coping with separation

Here is March’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

My husband and I recently separated and our youngest son is having a hard time coping. He’s been very upset, cries a lot, and doesn’t want to go anywhere alone. When he’s with me, he’s asking about where his dad is and when he’s with his dad, he’s asking when he’ll see me again. It’s breaking my heart to see him like this. What can we do to help him?

Signed,
Divorce Disaster

Dear Divorce Disaster,

I know how hard this can be…on everyone. I work with a lot of families going through separation and divorce and I am always impressed with how thoughtful and worried most parents are about how their children will manage through this painful time.

Some of what you are describing is normal, and actually very healthy. I am glad your son knows that it is okay to show his sadness and fear about the situation. Separation and divorce disrupts the whole family and it makes sense that a lot of kids feel like their world has turned upside down. Their sense of trust is shaken, and sometimes they don’t feel safe, because they think everything might change on them again and they will have no power to stop it. A lot of kids experience the kind of heightened separation anxiety you describe, always worrying and wondering about the parent they are not with. You and your husband can help your son by staying calm, validating his fears, and answering his questions about where and when he will see the other parent in simple, clear terms. Then, remind him about what is planned for this present moment and help to distract him from his fears. If you go around and around with him, it only escalates his fears, so simple, short, calm answers are best.

You and your husband can talk with him about what he might need in order to feel better. He might say, “For the two of you to get back together.” You can gently tell him that is not an option at this time, but that there are many other things the two of you can do to help. Some kids like having a favorite stuffed animal at each house. Some kids like having a reminder of the parent they are not with, say mom’s scarf at dad’s house and dad’s socks to wear at mom’s house. Setting up consistent phone calls to check in with each parent, a journal that he can write in, or more voice in the visitation schedule can help. Most kids learn to accept the new routine and actually find there are some positive aspects to the separation. Kids have told me that if it has to be this way, at least they get more quality time with each parent, or enjoy having two bedrooms to decorate.

If your son continues to experience intense reactions to the separation, or you and your husband have a hard time agreeing on how to handle things, working with a therapist can be very helpful.

I wish you, and your son, a healthy transition,

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC. She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT). Remember to check out Shelby’s website http://www.shelbyrileymft.com/ for useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

2 Tickets to Motherhood the Musical for the Price of 1!!!

We know that being a Mom and raising our families is hard work…to say the least! But now is your chance to watch it play out in the theater in this comical performance of Motherhood the Musical at the Society Hill Playhouse. For $45 get 2 tickets to kick back and relax and enjoy some time out. Specific dates are available so please be sure to check them out.

How do YOU do it ALL? (There is a great Giveaway)

Eversave Survey Reveals Moms Secret Strategies for How They “Do It All”
Data Suggest Mommy Wars are Over; Same Worries Keep Working and
Stay at Home Moms Awake at Night

Just in time for the upcoming release of the Sarah Jessica Parker movie I Don’t Know How She Does It, Eversave, one of the top three daily deal sites with deals targeted toward women and their families, surveyed more than 700 mothers to find out how they “do it all.”

In the film, Parker’s character, a working mother, lies awake at night mentally running through her “list” of things she needs to do. In reality, 90 percent of the respondents said they lie awake at night thinking about the things they need to get done. For both mothers who work outside the home and those who parent full-time, the same concerns keep them awake:

Money stress: 71%
Worrying about their kids: 53%
Finding time for their spouse/significant other: 45%
Preparing meals/managing the household: 33%

During waking hours, the majority of moms said they never finish their to-do lists, and as a result they take some pretty creative steps to get it all done. In fact, moms will:

Stuff clutter into closets or dirty dishes into the oven before guests come over: 66%
Serve their children fast food more than once per week: 58%
Give in to a child’s temper tantrum in order to save time: 47%
Let children dress in mismatched clothes to get to school/work on time: 38%

Regardless of how busy they are, all moms make their children a priority. Close to 60 percent of working mothers and 76 percent of stay-at-home mothers find the time to tuck their kids in every night. Forty-nine percent of working mothers attend school events, as do 56 percent of stay at home mothers. Where women skimp: “me time.” Thirty-five percent of the moms polled find time for themselves once a month and their preferred way to spend that time is pampering themselves with manicures, pedicures, facials and other spa treatments.

In support of all moms who “do it all,” Eversave is sponsoring a special Back-to-Beauty promotion on September 14, featuring spa-centric deals in all of its local markets so moms everywhere can save money and enjoy some much needed “me time”.

Although working moms and stay-at-home moms differ on what the hardest thing is about
being a mother—the top response was keeping the house clean among working mothers
and trying to stay calm in stressful situations for stay-at-home mothers—the survey showed very little difference in the attitudes and challenges the two groups face, suggesting that the “mommy wars” no longer exist. The data did however reveal stay-at-home mothers typically subscribe to more daily deal sites than working mothers and tend to look for deals on family activities whereas working mothers prefer deals for dining out.

“Being a working mom, I know some things are harder for me than my stay at home friends, like keeping domestic life in order. However, staying at home with kids—a very hard job! Okay, it is not easy for any of us,” commented mother Meredith McCauley on Facebook.

“There has long been debate about which moms have the hardest job. Our survey results show that both working and stay-at-home moms’ jobs are never-ending” says Jere Doyle, CEO of Eversave. “Surveys like this one help Eversave understand the needs, worries and wants of women, specifically mothers, allowing us to offer deals on great ‘me time’ activities that all moms deserve.”

Eversave.com is one of the largest daily deal sites offering local and online daily deals called “Saves,” which offer great deals on fun things to do in and around cities including restaurants, spas, activities and more. Eversave is owned http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifby Prospectiv, an online performance marketing pioneer with an expertise in connecting women to brands. With trusted experience and proven success in consumer acquisition, Prospectiv helps create true brand engagement that results in qualified marketing leads for advertisers and incremental revenue streams for Web publishers. The company offers a suite of innovhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifative products and advanced proprietary technology that are customizable, flexible, measurable and analytical to help achieve campaign goals. The company works with the world’s leading brands from Fortune 1000 companies such as Procter & Gamble, Pfizer, and Disney, as well as local merchants and leading Web publishers that include Publishers Clearing House, IAC and WhitePages. Prospectiv is a division of the Affinion Group, the global leader in customer engagement and loyalty solutions, serving over 180 million consumers across 16 countries. For more information, please visit http://www.prospectiv.com/.

Today, Eversave is co-hosting a blog carnival with Audrey McClelland, author of the Digital Mom Handbook. Throughout the day bloggers will share posts about how they “do it all” at www.momgenerations.com.

Sometimes, I feel as though the day as gone just as fast as it got here. I end up doing my list of things and before I know it, it is time for lunch then naps and then dinner. The good thing about being a SAHM is that I usually don’t have to get things done right away. Some things, I can put off until tomorrow, but the pressing items I do first thing in the morning. I prioritize as best I can, some times it works and some times it doesn’t. As I was reading the statistics above, I found myself saying that I do all of them, I am glad I am not the only one that does them all. If you would like to share how you get it done, please let us know, we would love to hear all about it!

Also, If you would a chance to win a package to “Pamper” yourself, please enter the form below. A Save for Cham-Pagne, Salon DiPietro or Sunshine Tans will be given away. You will have until midnight tonight to enter. The chosen winner will be emailed and a response is needed within 24hrs, otherwise a new winner will be chosen. Don’t forget to head over to Facebook and Twitter for another chance to win one of these Spa-mazing Saves! You can always purchase the Save for Salon DiPietro for today…pay $27 (a $60) value for a spa mani-pedi

*Disclaimer – I was asked to take part in the blog carnival and was offered a giveaway package for one of our readers by the sponsor.

Maintaining a Positive Outlook on Life

If you’re a glass-half-empty kinda girl, it might be time for a new view: A positive outlook may improve health and lead to a longer, happier life, reports a new Mayo Clinic study. But changing a negative outlook isn’t exactly easy. To prove that it is possible, psychologists- people who hear depressing stuff for a living- share how they do it.

Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., author of A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex: “I’m naturally more anxious and pessimistic, so I have to work hard to stay positive. When I’m anxious, I remind myself that worrying about things beyond my control only makes me feel worse. Then I can focus on what I can control, like my own attitude. And when I just need an emotional release, I let myself have a full-force meltdown!”

Stephanie Smith, Psy.D., public education coordinator for the American Psychological Association:”To keep life somewhat lighthearted, I always have one silly, totally selfish goal. My current one – this is embarrassing to admit – is getting John Mayer to respond to one of my tweets! I’m not being a parent, not being a professional, just doing something totally goofy and fun.”

Laura Berman, Ph.D., Parenting Mom Squad member: “The key to optimism is trying not to get overwhelmed. Meditating – something I got into after my mom benefited from it during her second bout of breast cancer – works for me. I do it twice a day to fully reboot my brain. Playing with my kids helps, too – what’s more optimistic than a child’s world? And when all else fails, there’s always chocolate!”

Information was obtained from http://www.parenting.com/article/maintaining-a-positive-outlook-on-life.

Adults Behaving Badly; Teaching Behavior by Example

By Heather Bitzer

“I can help the next customer in line,” said the cashier switching on his overhead light.

We all know what happens next; the predictable choreography of polite smiles and head nods as every customer in line vies for that coveted spot. This time, I was the lucky one (I think the chatty toddler and sleeping newborn earned me the sympathy vote). Accompanied by several good natured variations of the phrase ‘Go ahead, you’ve got your hands full,’ I took two steps backward into the newly open check out queue. No sooner had my first item beeped across the scanner when a voice boomed:

“What the (Insert F-bomb here)?”

The counter shook as an obviously irate woman rounded the corner, threw her items onto the conveyor belt behind me, and then dropped another “effie” my way. Every head in the store turned to see what I would do…including the tiny head of my two-year-old daughter. I saw fear in her eyes which were now as round as the “keep quiet in the store” cookie she was eating.

“Mommy?” She questioned in a watery voice as she flinched and cowered behind my arm.

I’ll stop short of going Palin-esque and calling myself a Mamma Grizzly, but I was filled with a base rage that had to come from some sort of primitive, protective instinct. How dare this woman? Throw things? Shout the F-word in front of my children? Make my little girl cry? And all over a spot in line?

I knew I only had a moment to react before my mouth took over like it always does and wrote the proverbial check that my you-know-what wouldn’t be able to cash. Thankfully, I got a hold of myself and calmly (but still with enough volume for everyone to hear) comforted my daughter, explaining the mad lady was not very nice and was having a bad day. My hopes of shaming the woman into Shut-ups-ville were quickly dashed as she continued yelling, accusing me of “butting” in line.

I turned to the cashier for assistance. He looked young enough to still have a curfew and his face had turned as uncomfortably red as his work shirt. Clearly I’d get no help there. Instead, I looked Ms. No Manners right in the eye, forced some confidence into my voice and advised her I did not appreciate the way she was acting in front of my kids. Thankfully, she buttoned her lip and the “discussion” ended there.

“Should I have just ignored her?” I wondered as I replayed the scene over and over again in my head that night. The adrenaline had long since dissipated and was replaced with self doubt. I thought of all the times my mouth has gotten me into trouble over the years. Let’s just call it a personality quirk that I certainly don’t want to pass on to my girls. But, I don’t ever want them to think they should be intimidated by a bully either. Was this the right way to go? If I’m not certain how to handle another’s bad behavior after 34 years of human interaction, how do I teach my daughters what to do on the playground or in school?

“If your toddler witnesses you pacify an aggressive person with an even and calm tone, they are likely to engage in that behavior when confronted with a play date bully,” says Dr. Andrew Scherff, PhD, Certified School Psychologist. “As we grow into toddlers and have more ability to interact with our environment and analyze situations, the learning process becomes more involved. Toddlers can begin to model the behavior of others, most noticeably their parents.”

Believe me when I tell you I soooo could have thought of a million petty ways to insult that woman. But that would have only taught my girls how to cleverly tell off Mommy from the time out chair.

Adds Dr. Scherff, “The somewhat intimidating realization inherent in this is that your children are always watching and learning from your actions, whether you want them to or not. This does not mean that your toddler will be a carbon copy of you, rather if the modeled behavior results in a positive outcome for the toddler that modeled behavior will likely continue.”

So it’s up to us parents to jump on the learning train and help the kids stay on track. Here are some effective tips I’ve picked up from some pretty smart moms:

1.) Take stock of your own social skills. Do you roll your eyes or sigh loudly when made to wait at McDonalds? Do you remember to say ‘Thank You’ when someone holds the door for you? Recognizing our own behavioral shortcomings and taking steps to correct them is a great way to pass along good manners to our kids.

2.) Role play games like “store,” “restaurant,” or “telephone,” are wonderful opportunities to model appropriate social behavior. Then encourage your child to show off their good manners while you run errands. Watch those compliments fly and be sure to add your own to the mix.

3.) When you encounter another’s bad behavior or get caught in your own, address it with your child. Talk about what made that particular behavior unacceptable and how it could have been handled differently. Admitting your mistake, even apologizing can go a long way to counteract a Mommy faux pas like cursing in the car.

4.) Let your child know that it’s OK to stick up for herself. I know I’ve been guilty of this one! At play dates, I used to get so worried about everyone getting along, that I found myself telling my daughter to “stop being so dramatic” if she cried after getting robbed of a toy or harmlessly pushed. Now I empower her to say things like “I don’t like pushing,” or “We don’t hit our friends.”

5.) Don’t discourage a tattle tale. Let them report any perceived bad behavior. You may not care that Kelly’s brother said the “s” word, but he may do something else in the future that will make you shudder. If your child is constantly told to button her lip, you might miss something dangerously important.

6.) Adopt new, g-rated “swear” words into your vocabulary. Sometimes life calls for expletives. Shucks and phooey are worlds better than their shocking older siblings. If you need help finding some, I recommend Mickey’s Clubhouse. Goofy “curses” like a trucker!

You certainly won’t be your child’s only teacher, after all, there’s still the lady in the check out line to contend with. Just hang on to hope and this last piece of advice from Dr. Scherff: “Modeling appropriate behavior at home, at the store, and in the car, as well as positively reinforcing those behaviors when we observe them in our children is the most effective way to get them ready for school and out into the real world.”

Montco Mom Heather is a former pediatric nurse turned mom to two lovely little ladies.

Expiration Date…

Join us in welcoming our new Chesco mom contributor Kristen…

My daughter just turned 10. This is alarming to me in many ways.

1) My daughter is 10. (I know, I already said that).
2) I have been a parent for 10 years.
3) My daughter is approaching teenagerhood at an alarming rate.

Number 3 is the most frightening part, because I fear that the onset of her tween-hood means that I am rapidly approaching the expiration date on my child thinking I am even the tiniest bit cool.

Not that I am that cool anyway, but the key is that right now she THINKS I am cool. And soon she won’t.

I wonder what it will be about me that horrifies the teenaged her.

Will my hair be wrong?
Are the waists on my jeans to high? Too low?
Are my shoes too sensible?
Do I say “groovy” too much? (I don’t say groovy at all…but maybe I’ll start…)

Will it be my insistence on tooth brushing? Vegetables? Sleep?

I guess there is no way of knowing what I will do that will show her in an irrevocable way that her mom isn’t the paragon of fabulousness that she thought I was. There are so many ways I could go wrong.

I was utterly uncool as a teenager. Braces (with headgear), glasses, no fashion sense whatsoever. An annoying tendency to correct my teachers. No social skills. Weird hair.

I am better now (although I am sure there are those who would dispute that). And of course, my kids think I am an all-knowing goddess. They willingly accept the clothing I pick for them. They talk to me. They share their music with me. They think I am funny.

They tell me I am the best mommy ever. I like that part a lot.

But these days are numbered. I just know it. One day soon, she will look at me and see someone different. Someone more fallible. Someone more human. Someone wearing the wrong kind of jeans. With weird hair.

Something more like what I really am. Which on some level is good.

She needs to see that. It’s part of my job.

But there are parts of my job that aren’t all that fun.

Like the parts where you need to help the kids see beyond the illusions of their childhood and open their eyes to the harsh realities of the world.

Like trans fats, cleaning toilets, and the fact that their mom isn’t all that cool.