Ask Shelby: Lying and Honesty

Here is July’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

My nine-year-old son is lying to me a lot.  How can I stop this behavior, and why would a child lie repeatedly after being told it’s wrong?

Signed,
Wanting an Honest Abe

Dear Wanting an Honest Abe,

Most children go through phases when they lie.  It can be a normal part of childhood, but it still needs to be addressed, and kids need to be taught why honesty is important in your family (and in society in general). 

When kids are young, they often tell lies because they are exploring their imaginations and often, when very young, sometimes lack the ability to differentiate reality from fantasy.  As kids get older, like your nine-year-old, they may lie to get out of trouble, to compensate for low self-esteem, to create boundaries/privacy, or to fit in with other kids.

If standard discipline doesn’t seem to be working (talking about why lying isn’t okay and providing a negative consequence if your child lies), a deeper look into things may be in order.

I often hear from my younger clients that they find their parents to be hypocritical: mom says don’t yell, but then she yells at me.  Dad says no hitting, but then he spanks me.  If we tell our children not to lie, but then lie ourselves, even in small ways, kids often notice.  Refilling a soda when there are no free refills, asking your 12-year-old to say she’s 10 so she can order from the kids menu, serving ice cream at 4 pm and asking the kids not to tell dad, since he has a no sweets before dinner rule…these are all examples of ways parents confuse their children when it comes to honesty.  Take a look at what kind of character you are asking from your kids, and be honest with yourself about whether or not you are modeling that character yourself.

The other thing I often see in families is people who want others to be honest with them, but can’t handle the truth well, and react in an emotionally unsafe way.  If you want your child to be honest, but you freak out when they fess up to the ugly truth, you are teaching them to keep the truth from you.  Practice being a safe listener.  When you child confesses a wrong doing: stay calm, acknowledge why it was wrong, thank them for their honesty, and decide calmly if they need a consequence.  If you scream and yell and dole out hefty punishments, your children won’t feel they have the choice of honesty.  Also, make sure your children have the right to some privacy.  If you often press or force information out of them, they may feel the need to lie in order to maintain privacy.  At nine, your son does deserve to keep some thoughts, feelings, and experiences to himself.  It is a bit counter-intuitive, but the more permission you give your kids to have their privacy, the more they are often willing to share with you.

This is a tough issue for many families.  Usually, with a consistent, calm message about your family values, children move through the lying stage fairly unscathed.  If it continues to be a problem, even after you’ve addressed most of the other factors that may be contributing to the lying, working with a trained professional might be helpful.  I’ve worked with many children who were brought to therapy because of behavior issues including lying, and often through safe, explorative play therapy, they were able to express what was behind the lying and find better, healthier ways to get their needs met.

I wish you the best,

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Ask Shelby: To Speak or Not to Speak

Here is June’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

I’m confused.  My mom says all the time that relationships are built on trust and honesty, so couples should always say exactly what they are thinking and feeling.  My best friend says some (maybe many) things are better left unsaid.  Who’s right?

Signed, To Speak or Not to Speak

~

Dear To Speak,

I think a lot of people share your confusion.  And my simple answer is that your mom and friend are both right.  A healthy relationship is a combination of honest sharing and thoughtful filtering.  There is no exact formula that every couple should follow—each couple will determine what the right balance is for them.

You want to be an emotionally safe person, and choose an emotionally safe person to be with, so that open, honest sharing is possible.  It’s a relief to have someone who can really hear you, comfort you, and continue to love you, even after you’ve bared some of your most precious secrets.  It’s also important to be able to have a voice in your relationship.  If you don’t want to eat Italian, or move to Guam, or have a third child, you need to be able to voice these opinions.  And your partner needs to be able to voice their opinions, too.

Filtering happens when you choose to keep some information to yourself, either to respect your own boundaries and privacy, or to protect your partner from negative thoughts or feelings that don’t need to be expressed.  Some people believe in order to be truly intimate, you need to share every little detail about yourself with your partner.  This is not true.  You have the right to keep some information private.  A healthy partner will respect this boundary.  It’s okay if you feel comfortable sharing everything and choose to do so.  Just understand, it’s not a mandate for a healthy bond.

Sometimes we think and feel things that are only hurtful.  You can choose to show love by not saying every negative thought you have about someone. You can filter your thoughts and feelings and share your concerns, when it can be helpful, in a safe and loving manner.  Brutal honesty is exactly like it sounds: brutal.  You can have a voice and still use a good filter.  Edit out any name-calling and put-downs before you speak, so that “You are lazy and selfish and I wish I never married you!” turns into, “I wish we spent less time at home watching CNN and more time outside gardening together like we used to.”  Timing is also an important consideration.  Some things are great shared the moment they are noticed.  Other things are better shared at an agreed upon, calm, time to talk.

I wish you all the best—and happy balancing!

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Ask Shelby, Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Here is April’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

I am freaking out! So many of my friends are having problems because of an affair. How can I make sure this doesn’t happen to my marriage?

Signed, Married for Life

Dear Married for Life,

I have a tremendous amount of respect for your desire to affair-proof your marriage. There are no guarantees in marriage or in life, but there are many things you can do to protect your marriage from infidelity. Here are some Dos and Don’ts:

DO:
*Find time every day to connect with your spouse, even if it’s only 10 minutes. Emotional affairs (which often lead to sexual affairs) often happen when people feel lonely in a marriage.
*Remember you are more than a mom and your spouse is more than your friend. Put some energy into acting like a romantic partner.
*Show your spouse love and respect. Keep complaining and criticizing to a minimum and talk about the ways your spouse wows you, amazes you, and interests you.
*Maintain a healthy sex life. Try new things to keep it fresh and interesting. Exercise and eat healthfully so you feel good about your body.
*Maintain healthy boundaries with others. If you think your spouse would be uncomfortable if he found out about something you are doing with someone else, don’t do it.

Don’t:
*Confide in someone of the opposite sex (or someone you may be sexually attracted to) about problems in your marriage.
*Use drinking or drug use as an excuse to indulge in risky behavior.
*Flirt with others as a way to punish your spouse, or pursue inappropriate relationships because you feel entitled to get something your spouse isn’t giving you.
*Fool yourself into thinking you or your spouse are incapable of cheating. Every person is capable of cheating and you want to stay 11 steps back from tempting situations. Don’t wait until you are one step away to try to pull yourself out of a risky situation.

I wish you and your husband a long, happy, passionate marriage,
Shelby

Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.com for useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.