Ask Shelby–Motivating My 9-Year-Old Son

Here is July’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

 

Our 9 year old son is arguing with us more and more.  He often yells to get his point across, and regularly refuses to do his chores when first asked.  We put him in time out, but it doesn’t seem to change his behavior.   It is also very difficult to get him interested in any sports, or outdoor activities.  My husband and I are both very athletic.  Any tips?

 

Signed,

Perturbed Parents

Dear Perturbed Parents,

We have worked with so many families like yours.  It can be hard to figure out how to motivate your child, and how to deal with difficult outbursts.  I will turn this question over to my associate, Matt McFadden, LCSW, for his response:

Matt says: “I will answer the second part of the question first as it may help shed some light on the frustrating behaviors you mention in the first part of the question.  Every child (and every person for that matter) longs to be known, loved and accepted for who they are, just as they are.  After the basic needs for survival, this may be the greatest common need we all share.

There are many different personality types, often in the same family.  It is helpful to have a sense of your own personality type and your son’s so that you are not asking too many things of him that run counter to who he sees himself to be.  A very basic and enjoyable introduction to these concepts is available in a book called The Enneagram of Parenting by Elizabeth Wagele.

It does not sound like your son is very interested in sports or physical activity.  What is he interested in doing?  The first advice I would offer is to let your son know that you are interested in what he likes, and make time every day to play with him in an activity of his choosing.  During this time, he leads, you follow.  You are not his parent during this time, just a playmate interested in spending time with him doing something he loves.  This regular practice will mean a great deal to him, and may itself actually solve some of the other behavior problems.

You and your husband are athletic.  That is wonderful!  You are great role models for him about leading a healthy lifestyle.  As kids get older and become adults themselves, it is this modeling that will stick with them and help determine their own behavior.  Instead of becoming frustrated trying to get him interested in a sport, I would suggest spending time each day (or as often as possible) as a family outdoors, engaged in an enjoyable physical activity (which he can sometimes choose).  Climbing trees? Great.  Hide and seek? Wonderful.  Kickball? Awesome.  Race around the house? You get the picture.  Playing sports might have been great for you.  It might not be his thing.  But modeling and helping him find fun ways to be physically active will help him now and in the future.

Time-Outs can be an effective part of a system of accountability and behavioral change for your child.  Time-Outs, though, by themselves, do not change behavior.  They merely stop a negative behavior which is occurring, provide time/space to calm down, ponder one’s actions, etc. There are many systems available to help children increase their behavioral accountability.  There are some central themes, however, which increase the effectiveness of whatever system you choose.

1.)    Empathize when your child has strong (or any) feelings.  This is one of the most important things you can do as a parent.  Let your child know that you can see that they are angry, sad, frustrated, embarrassed, etc., and that you accept them having this feeling, you understand.  This does not mean that you accept the behavior that accompanies the feeling, or that you have to give in to a demand which accompanies the feeling.  You are just letting them know that you see them, and you are with them and accept them just as they are.  This is also extremely important for younger children who are just beginning to experience their feelings.  Your empathy and naming of the feeling helps them to learn about the feelings they are experiencing, and to know that all feelings are okay, even strong ones.  Most kids will learn to stuff the feelings they think are unacceptable to you, and this can lead to mental health issues or behavioral problems down the road.

2.)    Establish clear behavioral expectations.  Even though all feelings are acceptable, not all behaviors are acceptable.  It can take time for children to differentiate between feelings and the behaviors that they feel compelled to engage in when they feel a certain way.  The best way to help them in this process is first to empathize with the feeling you see/hear (#1 above), and then to be clear about what your family’s behavioral expectations are, (and to make sure the adults are modeling this as well).  Make it your goal that your child not be surprised that their negative behavior is resulting in a consequence.  If they talk back to you and you put them in time out without ever having had a conversation that this behavior will result in a time out, the child will not be able to fully experience the consequences of their actions, and the power of their choices.  It is always best to discuss these expectations during a time of calm, and to involve your child in determining what the proper consequence should be.  This will increase their compliance with the consequence.

3.)    Follow through consistently with consequences.  If your child hits you one time and you put them in time out, then the next time they hit you the behavior is ignored, they will become confused.  It is extremely important that you follow through consistently.  (Warning! This can be much harder to practice than it sounds).

4.)    Use natural consequences whenever possible.  A natural consequence is connected to the behavior exhibited.  For example, if you have told your child it is not okay to bounce a ball in the house and they keep bouncing a ball in the house, tell them they can take the ball outside to bounce it, or you will take the ball away.  Natural consequences make sense to kids.

Regarding chores, it is often best to take yourself out of the role of “chore master”, as you then become someone to argue with.  It is always easier to argue than to do what is needed.  I would recommend having a family discussion about responsibilities, and the need for all family members to pitch in.  Talk to your child about what chores you would like them to do and see how they feel about it.  Then create a chore chart (perhaps with some incentive for completion).  This takes you out of the role of chore master and a potentially negative interactional pattern with your child.

If you try these tips and don’t see any progress, or things seem to be getting worse, I would recommend a consultation with a mental health professional who has experience working with kids and families.”

We hope this response is the start of some helpful answers to your parenting dilemma, and we hope you know we are available to support you, if needed.

Yours,

Shelby (and Matt)

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Ask Shelby: Getting Him to Open Up

Here is June’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

How do I get my husband to open up and talk to me?  I feel like I never know what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling.  When I ask, he shuts me out, I get mad, and we end up in a fight.  What can I do to get him to change?

Signed, Lonely and Lashing Out

Dear Lonely and Lashing Out,

Most men do not naturally crave as much verbal intimacy as women do. And often, men haven’t been raised or socialized to share their thoughts and feelings verbally the same way women have. The most important thing you can do to help improve the verbal intimacy in your marriage is to remember that your husband is not (usually) purposefully shutting you out. If you can remember that your husband has a very different brain than you do, you can let go of personalizing the difficult experience and it will be less painful and frustrating, and lead to less conflict.

Secondly, I would suggest engaging with your husband in a way that works for him. Some men are overwhelmed by intense eye contact, so sitting in the dark while gently scratching his back may help him feel safe to open up. Some men like to connect “shoulder to shoulder.” This could be playing tennis, going for a walk, or paddle-boarding together. Some men prefer to “do” things to connect, rather than talk. Try doing something together first and the conversation on the ride home may flow better.

Lastly, I will throw out that men often feel more ready to connect verbally and emotionally after they have connected physically, which for many men, can mean sexually. The hard part is, many women feel ready to connect sexually when they feel connected emotionally. It’s a tough cycle when the couple is “off” and a wonderful, self-feeding cycle when the couple is “on.” In a healthy relationship, each would share the responsibility of sometimes putting the other’s needs first in order to get back “on” a good cycle.

I often find too, that men find women to be critical and demanding, even when the woman thinks she’s being soft and encouraging.  Try starting your next attempt to engage him with a compliment, like, “Wow, you really handled that work situation well.  How did you come up with that solution for the team?”  That will allow him to feel respected and he may have more to share than when you look at him and ask, “What are you thinking right now?”  If things still feel stuck, you might let him know you crave more by saying, “You are such a fascinating person.  I love hearing about what you’re thinking about, or how you feel about things.  Lately, we haven’t had much time for me to really connect with you in that way.  Do you have some time tonight to walk around the neighborhood with me?”  Men want to be known, heard and respected.  When they are told, “You’re so closed off.  Why don’t you share your thoughts and feelings with me?” they tend to feel criticized.  Trying a more uplifting approach may work wonders.

Good luck—and I hope the conversation starts flowing at your house,

Shelby

 

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley, Shares Advice on Caring for Aging Parents

Here is March’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

I have recently assumed the role of caregiver for my aging mother.  I am having so many confusing feelings.  How do I do this and not lose myself in the process?

Signed, Caring and Concerned

Dear Caring and Concerned,

Although I have worked with many adult children who have cared for their aging parents, I am going to ask my associate, Hope Nichols, to answer this one, as she has worked with the geriatric population and their families for years.  Hope writes:

“First, it’s important to accept that things have changed. Be prepared for a radically new paradigm. Old roles may not apply; old methodologies may not apply; old emotions may not apply. Be prepared to work from a whole new script.

Try to understand that when you start taking care of your parent, they lose the one thing they’ve always had in relationship to you: authority. That’s something that is not going to be easy for your parent to give up. Expect them, in one way or another, to lash out about that loss. Try your best to have compassion for what they are experiencing.  Remember, most of us will be in their shoes some time down the road.

Give them their autonomy whenever possible; offer your parent options instead of orders. It’s important for them to continue to feel as if they, and not you, are running their lives. Let them decide as much as they can about their own care, and help them by supporting the healthy choices they’ve made on their own.

Encourage your loved one to participate in social activities as much as possible.  Keeping them actively connected with friends and family enhances their quality of life, and helps affirm for them that they are still of value to others.

During this phase of your life, remember to take care of yourself, too.  Take walks, stretch out, eat right, make sure you spend quality time away from Mom or Dad. Your life still needs to be about you, and your loved one will be pleased to know that they are not depleting you of your personal joy.

This can be an intimate and loving time for both you and your parent; don’t forget to look for the silver lining. I promise it’s in there!”

Our best to you, Shelby and Hope

Learn more about Hope on the SR&A website: http://www.shelbyrileymft.com/8.html

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Valentine’s Day: Connecting in Real Ways by Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley

Here is February’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

With Valentine’s Day approaching, I realize I feel very disconnected from my husband and kids.  I try to talk with them and spend time with them, but I never feel like I’m really connecting.  Sometimes I think my efforts actually annoy them!  What else can I do?

Signed, Done with Disconnection

Dear Done with Disconnection,

You are already one step ahead of many women!  Finding the time to connect with your husband and kids is half the battle and it sounds like you’ve already conquered that problem.  Now, the second problem needs an answer: how to make that time worthwhile.

My advice to you is simple: meet them on their terms.  Many moms share with me that it is so hard to get their kids (especially boys) to open up and talk.  They say they ask more and more questions to try to connect with their kids, only to find their kids irritated, surly, and rude in response.  The mistake you might be making is trying to connect with others in the way YOU most like to connect.  Try paying attention to who your loving other is, and how THEY like to connect. 

I have to do this in my office.  Not everyone likes to talk.  Some people have a very hard time articulating their thoughts and feelings.  Some people do better using art, some use my sand tray to explore how they’re feeling, and one of my clients likes to write most of his thoughts in a notebook we pass back and forth between us.

Maybe your son might feel loved and connected by playing cards together, or basketball, or sitting silently in front of his favorite show while you give him a head massage.  Maybe your daughter might talk more lying in bed next to you with the lights off, or walking side by side around your neighborhood.  Maybe she won’t share her deepest secrets, but she might connect with you in an art gallery, sharing her thoughts on the paintings before you.  Now take a look at that man you married.  What do you know about him?  He loves micro-brews and burgers?  Show him you love him by taking him to a local brewery and sampling a flight of beers, sharing your reactions to each different taste.  He’s deeply faithful?  Get tickets when his favorite speaker comes to town and explore your reactions and faith together.

I love that you are aware of the disconnect you feel and are actively seeking new ways to feel close to your family.  I’m excited for you to pay attention to who they are and how they connect so you can begin to engage with them on their terms.  Now that’s a Valentine’s gift that will last all year!

With love,

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Ask Shelby: Holiday Commitment Overload

Here is November’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

Between my parents, my sister and her family, my in-laws and my husband’s cousins who live an hour away, our holidays are filled with too much traveling, hosting and trying to make everyone else happy.  I would love to spend Christmas day at home with just my husband and kids, but I know it would kill my parents, as they expect to be invited for breakfast and gift opening, and my in-laws expect us for dinner at their house later that same day.  What can I do to satisfy everyone?

Signed, Overextended

Dear Overextended,

My one word answer is this: nothing.  You cannot satisfy everyone.  And I strongly suggest you stop trying.  I do believe there is a way to honor and respect your family relationships while still establishing some boundaries around your core family time.

The simplest and most dramatic way to accomplish this is to go away for the holidays.  Travel with your husband and kids to a destination far away where you can relax and enjoy the holiday together.  Plan to celebrate with various family members on a few select days before and/or after the trip.   People may respond with shock, hurt, jealousy, excitement or well wishes.  Let them have their reactions.  Those reactions belong to them and it is their responsibility to deal with their feelings, not yours.  As long as you are open to creating space for them in your schedule to celebrate, you don’t have to over-function to make sure they are totally pleased in every way.

You can also stay in town, designate Christmas as a day of no visits, and schedule celebrations on other days with family members.  Again, people may respond with shock, hurt, jealousy, excitement or well wishes. Let them have their reactions. Those reactions belong to them and it is their responsibility to deal with their feelings, not yours. 

Some people decide that changing plans like yours on Christmas Day is just too hard and painful on everyone and the backlash isn’t worth it.  In a case like this, I recommend choosing a day in the holiday season to celebrate with just your husband and kids.  You may want to hang and fill stockings, light the tree, play Christmas music and exchange some presents three days early, so that opening your home on Christmas Day doesn’t feel so intrusive.  If you have young kids, and Santa is still an important factor, you may want to skip the stockings and presents and create some new traditions to share as a family, so that you get the time together you are yearning for.  This day is sacred and no other plans should trump yours, no matter whose party you might miss.  No one else is invited, not matter how much your mom pouts and says she wants to come along.   I am going to repeat myself here: People may respond with shock, hurt, jealousy, excitement or well wishes.  Let them have their reactions.  Those reactions belong to them and it is their responsibility to deal with their feelings, not yours. 

I want to give you, and everyone else, permission to set boundaries.  It is okay to slow down, say no, and get creative.  Maybe you see your husband’s cousins in January, after the rush, to extend the fun even longer.  Maybe you host everyone at your house for one big dessert party, and stop running from house to house making sure everyone gets a piece of you.  If people can’t make the party, it’s okay to not see them until after the holidays are over.  Healthy people will express all kinds of feelings about your boundaries, but at the end of the day, they will accept and love you, even if they are disappointed.  Unhealthy people will express all kinds of feelings, too, but they may try to punish you or guilt you into changing your plans to accommodate their wishes.  Don’t accept that guilt.  It is an ugly gift that you should immediately place on the ground and walk away from.  No one needs to pick it up and deal with it—it can just sit there, unattended forever. 

I wish you a wonderful, rich, and balanced holiday season, filled with many “No’s” because you intentionally decided what to say “Yes” to,

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Ask Shelby: Back to School Blues

Here is September’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

I am a stay-at-home mom and now that my kids are back in school, I feel bored and unsatisfied.  I don’t want to end up wandering the aisles of Target to keep myself busy.  I don’t want to work full-time…I really treasure my time at home and with the kids.  I just need help feeling useful.

Signed, Summer Lovin’

Dear Summer Lovin’,

Being home with your children and taking care of your home are wonderful, worthwhile endeavors.  I see a lot of parents who feel somewhat unfulfilled and disconnected from their own interests and passions.  Here’s what I would recommend:

1. Create a schedule for your week.  Block out time that is child-focused (after-school, sports, family outings) and time that is home-focused (grocery shopping, laundry, etc.)  Now create a few blocks of time for exercise (walking, yoga, a martial arts or dance class, whatever you find fun and gets your blood moving a bit).  Next, one or two social outings, with or without the kids, it’s important to connect and share time with friends and family.  Next, one tiny, one small, and one medium block of time for self-care.  And finally three blocks of any size marked “personal growth.”
2. Now, time to make a list of self-care activities so you have some choices during the week.  Make three sections: tiny (5-10 minutes), small (30 minutes-1 hour) and medium (2-4 hours).  Now come up with five things for each section.  Examples: Tiny-5 minutes of meditation, short walk around the block, hot shower with favorite/fancy body wash. Short- reading a book or magazine for pleasure, manicure/pedicure, photographing the changing leaves in your neighborhood.  Medium- going to a movie in the middle of the day, taking your bike to Valley Forge park, walking through Longwood Gardens.
3. Lastly, make a list of personal growth activities.  Again, divide your paper into sections: intellectual, spiritual, physical, and creative.  Come up with a few ideas for each category that will stretch you, stimulate your curiosity, and help you explore your interests.  Examples: Intellectual- read a book on a certain topic, watch TED videos online, learn a new language.  Spiritual- attend a new/different religious service, volunteer to serve in your community, spend 30 minutes looking for the divine in everyday life.  Physical- sign up for a 5K, work with a personal trainer, take a dance class.  Creative- break out the paints and get to work, write poetry, take voice lessons.  You get the idea. 

This schedule with purposeful activities will help you to re-connect with your interests and passions.  You may find something that turns into a part-time career, or something where you can volunteer your time and feel inspired and valued.  Or, you may find there are a few meaningful activities that help you to express other parts of yourself while your family and home aren’t in need of your immediate attention.

Good luck—and most of all—have fun!

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.com for useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Ask Shelby: Lying and Honesty

Here is July’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

My nine-year-old son is lying to me a lot.  How can I stop this behavior, and why would a child lie repeatedly after being told it’s wrong?

Signed,
Wanting an Honest Abe

Dear Wanting an Honest Abe,

Most children go through phases when they lie.  It can be a normal part of childhood, but it still needs to be addressed, and kids need to be taught why honesty is important in your family (and in society in general). 

When kids are young, they often tell lies because they are exploring their imaginations and often, when very young, sometimes lack the ability to differentiate reality from fantasy.  As kids get older, like your nine-year-old, they may lie to get out of trouble, to compensate for low self-esteem, to create boundaries/privacy, or to fit in with other kids.

If standard discipline doesn’t seem to be working (talking about why lying isn’t okay and providing a negative consequence if your child lies), a deeper look into things may be in order.

I often hear from my younger clients that they find their parents to be hypocritical: mom says don’t yell, but then she yells at me.  Dad says no hitting, but then he spanks me.  If we tell our children not to lie, but then lie ourselves, even in small ways, kids often notice.  Refilling a soda when there are no free refills, asking your 12-year-old to say she’s 10 so she can order from the kids menu, serving ice cream at 4 pm and asking the kids not to tell dad, since he has a no sweets before dinner rule…these are all examples of ways parents confuse their children when it comes to honesty.  Take a look at what kind of character you are asking from your kids, and be honest with yourself about whether or not you are modeling that character yourself.

The other thing I often see in families is people who want others to be honest with them, but can’t handle the truth well, and react in an emotionally unsafe way.  If you want your child to be honest, but you freak out when they fess up to the ugly truth, you are teaching them to keep the truth from you.  Practice being a safe listener.  When you child confesses a wrong doing: stay calm, acknowledge why it was wrong, thank them for their honesty, and decide calmly if they need a consequence.  If you scream and yell and dole out hefty punishments, your children won’t feel they have the choice of honesty.  Also, make sure your children have the right to some privacy.  If you often press or force information out of them, they may feel the need to lie in order to maintain privacy.  At nine, your son does deserve to keep some thoughts, feelings, and experiences to himself.  It is a bit counter-intuitive, but the more permission you give your kids to have their privacy, the more they are often willing to share with you.

This is a tough issue for many families.  Usually, with a consistent, calm message about your family values, children move through the lying stage fairly unscathed.  If it continues to be a problem, even after you’ve addressed most of the other factors that may be contributing to the lying, working with a trained professional might be helpful.  I’ve worked with many children who were brought to therapy because of behavior issues including lying, and often through safe, explorative play therapy, they were able to express what was behind the lying and find better, healthier ways to get their needs met.

I wish you the best,

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Ask Shelby: To Speak or Not to Speak

Here is June’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

I’m confused.  My mom says all the time that relationships are built on trust and honesty, so couples should always say exactly what they are thinking and feeling.  My best friend says some (maybe many) things are better left unsaid.  Who’s right?

Signed, To Speak or Not to Speak

~

Dear To Speak,

I think a lot of people share your confusion.  And my simple answer is that your mom and friend are both right.  A healthy relationship is a combination of honest sharing and thoughtful filtering.  There is no exact formula that every couple should follow—each couple will determine what the right balance is for them.

You want to be an emotionally safe person, and choose an emotionally safe person to be with, so that open, honest sharing is possible.  It’s a relief to have someone who can really hear you, comfort you, and continue to love you, even after you’ve bared some of your most precious secrets.  It’s also important to be able to have a voice in your relationship.  If you don’t want to eat Italian, or move to Guam, or have a third child, you need to be able to voice these opinions.  And your partner needs to be able to voice their opinions, too.

Filtering happens when you choose to keep some information to yourself, either to respect your own boundaries and privacy, or to protect your partner from negative thoughts or feelings that don’t need to be expressed.  Some people believe in order to be truly intimate, you need to share every little detail about yourself with your partner.  This is not true.  You have the right to keep some information private.  A healthy partner will respect this boundary.  It’s okay if you feel comfortable sharing everything and choose to do so.  Just understand, it’s not a mandate for a healthy bond.

Sometimes we think and feel things that are only hurtful.  You can choose to show love by not saying every negative thought you have about someone. You can filter your thoughts and feelings and share your concerns, when it can be helpful, in a safe and loving manner.  Brutal honesty is exactly like it sounds: brutal.  You can have a voice and still use a good filter.  Edit out any name-calling and put-downs before you speak, so that “You are lazy and selfish and I wish I never married you!” turns into, “I wish we spent less time at home watching CNN and more time outside gardening together like we used to.”  Timing is also an important consideration.  Some things are great shared the moment they are noticed.  Other things are better shared at an agreed upon, calm, time to talk.

I wish you all the best—and happy balancing!

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC.  She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT).  Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Ask Shelby: Better Mothering

Here is May’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

With Mother’s Day this month, I’m realizing I’m not always being the kind of mother I want to be. I yell more than I’d like, I’m not always as patient or kind or attentive as I want to be. How can I turn things around?

Signed, Exasperated Mom

Dear Exasperated,

I think most parents feel this way at some point or another. It’s hard to be as kind, patient, and consistent as we want to be as parents when the stress of daily life makes it feel like the to-do list will never be done. The first thing I will suggest is to make sure you are taking good care of yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep, eat well, get some exercise, and have time for things you enjoy (movies, running, knitting, reading, etc.). Everyone needs stress relief so they can function at their best. Small efforts to “fill your tank” will go a long way in helping you be a better mom.

I will also suggest visualizing how you want to act as a mother. When you wake up in the morning, take 60 seconds to sit or lay in bed and picture yourself kindly, patiently interacting with your kids. As you drive home from work or errands, visualize yourself mothering in the way you value. The more intentional you can be, the more you will respond to your kids in ways you like, and not just react to them out of stress or impatience.

Here are a few other suggestions I often use with clients:

1. Whisper instead of yell. Getting down to your kid’s eye level and quietly but firmly giving them a directive can be much more effective than yelling. It models self-control, it shows them you have the power (when you yell and seem out of control it can seem like they have the power to drive you to the point of losing it), it reduces any fear kids might have about loud yelling and that overall chaotic feel of a house filled with yelling, and it eliminates the humiliation kids feel when yelled at in public.

2. 5:1 ratio of positive/affirming comments to corrective/negative comments. Catch your child being good. Notice when they are kind, polite, caring, funny. “Thank you for waiting patiently.” “Wow, your picture is so colorful.” “That was a funny joke.” “I love to listen to you sing.” Kids and adults need lots of positive affirmation every day.

3. Spend time with your child playing and being in the moment. We all have those days where it feels like all we do is boss our kids around and try to contain the chaos. Today, create opportunities where you can simply enjoy life with your child. Go for a nature walk and look at leaves and flowers. (Be patient, go slow, look at all the bugs and dandelions your kid points out.) Go to a park and play tag. Color together. Ride bikes. Be in the moment. Choose not to juggle laundry, phone calls, and paying attention to your child. Find 10 or 20 or 30 minutes a couple of times today that can be all about being in relationship with them.

The fact that you are aware of your mothering behaviors and want better for your family tells me you are already a pretty wonderful mom!

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC. She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT). Remember to check out Shelby’s website http://www.shelbyrileymft.com for useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

Ask Shelby: Therapy Secrets

Here is April’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.

Dear Shelby,

My 17 year-old daughter is seeing a therapist. I’m a bit frustrated because I want to meet with her therapist but I don’t want my daughter to know and her therapist will not meet with me and not tell my daughter. I think it will just make my daughter even more mad and defensive with me if she knows I’ve talked with her therapist. But I do have some thoughts and some questions about my daughter’s situation that I would like to discuss with her therapist. I’m paying for the sessions — shouldn’t I be able to have a say in how this goes?

Signed, Maddened Mom

Dear Maddened Mom,

You have every right to be a part of your daughter’s therapy. A well trained therapist will create a contract with you and your daughter at the start of therapy about how and when family members will be involved. Teenagers often want a lot of their own individual time with a therapist, but they are still children in a family and therefore parents should always be involved in some way in their therapy.

I will caution you about meeting with her therapist and not telling her. I’m glad her therapist is unwilling to keep a secret like that from your daughter. I understand your intentions—you are trying to help your daughter by speaking with her therapist and you are trying to protect your relationship with her by not letting her know. But what can very easily happen is that this secret will erode her trust with her therapist. Short-term thinking often leads to complications down the road. If your daughter ever finds out her therapist met with you and kept it secret, all of the work they have done can be compromised because your daughter may feel betrayed and question her therapist’s intentions from the very beginning of their relationship.

I suggest you request to join your daughter for part of an upcoming session. Explain to your daughter that you’d like to get some feedback from her therapist and some tips on how to communicate better. During your time in the session, talk openly about how you’d like to be involved in your daughter’s therapy more, and the three of you can create a plan for how that will look. Your daughter may be uncomfortable or put out, but the therapist is there to help manage the tension and create a good plan that will meet everyone’s needs.

Good luck! I’m glad you want to be an active part of your daughter’s work,

Shelby

Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC. She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT). Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.com for useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.