Here is June’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.
Dear Shelby,
How do I get my husband to open up and talk to me? I feel like I never know what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling. When I ask, he shuts me out, I get mad, and we end up in a fight. What can I do to get him to change?
Signed, Lonely and Lashing Out
Dear Lonely and Lashing Out,
Most men do not naturally crave as much verbal intimacy as women do. And often, men haven’t been raised or socialized to share their thoughts and feelings verbally the same way women have. The most important thing you can do to help improve the verbal intimacy in your marriage is to remember that your husband is not (usually) purposefully shutting you out. If you can remember that your husband has a very different brain than you do, you can let go of personalizing the difficult experience and it will be less painful and frustrating, and lead to less conflict.
Secondly, I would suggest engaging with your husband in a way that works for him. Some men are overwhelmed by intense eye contact, so sitting in the dark while gently scratching his back may help him feel safe to open up. Some men like to connect “shoulder to shoulder.” This could be playing tennis, going for a walk, or paddle-boarding together. Some men prefer to “do” things to connect, rather than talk. Try doing something together first and the conversation on the ride home may flow better.
Lastly, I will throw out that men often feel more ready to connect verbally and emotionally after they have connected physically, which for many men, can mean sexually. The hard part is, many women feel ready to connect sexually when they feel connected emotionally. It’s a tough cycle when the couple is “off” and a wonderful, self-feeding cycle when the couple is “on.” In a healthy relationship, each would share the responsibility of sometimes putting the other’s needs first in order to get back “on” a good cycle.
I often find too, that men find women to be critical and demanding, even when the woman thinks she’s being soft and encouraging. Try starting your next attempt to engage him with a compliment, like, “Wow, you really handled that work situation well. How did you come up with that solution for the team?” That will allow him to feel respected and he may have more to share than when you look at him and ask, “What are you thinking right now?” If things still feel stuck, you might let him know you crave more by saying, “You are such a fascinating person. I love hearing about what you’re thinking about, or how you feel about things. Lately, we haven’t had much time for me to really connect with you in that way. Do you have some time tonight to walk around the neighborhood with me?” Men want to be known, heard and respected. When they are told, “You’re so closed off. Why don’t you share your thoughts and feelings with me?” they tend to feel criticized. Trying a more uplifting approach may work wonders.
Good luck—and I hope the conversation starts flowing at your house,
Shelby
Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC. She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT). Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.
Philaburban Mom 