Here is March’s installment of “Ask Shelby” from Chester County’s own Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley.
Dear Shelby,
I have recently assumed the role of caregiver for my aging mother. I am having so many confusing feelings. How do I do this and not lose myself in the process?
Signed, Caring and Concerned
Dear Caring and Concerned,
Although I have worked with many adult children who have cared for their aging parents, I am going to ask my associate, Hope Nichols, to answer this one, as she has worked with the geriatric population and their families for years. Hope writes:
“First, it’s important to accept that things have changed. Be prepared for a radically new paradigm. Old roles may not apply; old methodologies may not apply; old emotions may not apply. Be prepared to work from a whole new script.
Try to understand that when you start taking care of your parent, they lose the one thing they’ve always had in relationship to you: authority. That’s something that is not going to be easy for your parent to give up. Expect them, in one way or another, to lash out about that loss. Try your best to have compassion for what they are experiencing. Remember, most of us will be in their shoes some time down the road.
Give them their autonomy whenever possible; offer your parent options instead of orders. It’s important for them to continue to feel as if they, and not you, are running their lives. Let them decide as much as they can about their own care, and help them by supporting the healthy choices they’ve made on their own.
Encourage your loved one to participate in social activities as much as possible. Keeping them actively connected with friends and family enhances their quality of life, and helps affirm for them that they are still of value to others.
During this phase of your life, remember to take care of yourself, too. Take walks, stretch out, eat right, make sure you spend quality time away from Mom or Dad. Your life still needs to be about you, and your loved one will be pleased to know that they are not depleting you of your personal joy.
This can be an intimate and loving time for both you and your parent; don’t forget to look for the silver lining. I promise it’s in there!”
Shelby Riley, LMFT is the owner of Shelby Riley, LMFT and Associates, LLC. She is currently the President of the Pennsylvania Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (PAMFT). Remember to check out Shelby’s website www.shelbyrileymft.comfor useful information about therapy for individuals, couples, and families.
Philaburban Mom 