Here is October’s installment of “Ask Shelby” with Chester County’s own Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley:
I’m embarrassed to even write and ask you this. My husband and I don’t have the sex life we used to. Sadly, I just don’t have that much energy or passion for it. I was never someone with a really high sex drive, but now I feel like I have none. Is there any medicine I can take or anything I can do to reignite the passion?
Dear Feeling the Bedroom Blahs,
I completely understand your embarrassment. We live in a society with confusing messages about sexuality and a lot of people don’t feel comfortable talking about sex. I assure you, there is no reason you should feel embarrassed. Most couples go through periods of sexual incompatibility with a decrease in desire and frequency and I hear your struggle often in my therapy office.
A woman’s sexual drive and energy is tied to several things: hormones, stress and emotional connection, to name a few of the biggies. Women find their sexual drives change as they age—some women experience an increase in drive, but most report a decrease, usually due to decreasing levels of free testosterone, increased stress, and changing societal roles (like motherhood) that can feel in direct opposition to picturing oneself as “sexy.” Medications such as the pill, SSRIs for depression, and those for high blood pressure, cholesterol, and diabetes can have decreased sexual drive as a side effect. There is no medication yet approved by the FDA for women with the specific intent to increase sexual drive, but there is a growing amount of attention and interest in research in this area.
For now, I would encourage you to pay attention to the role physical and sexual intimacy plays in your marriage. Save some time and energy for that part of your relationship. Know that you will often feel “too tired” but if you push through the fatigue to allow for playful interactions, desire will often banish fatigue. Learn to talk openly with your partner about sex. Share your thoughts on what you’d like this aspect of your relationship to look like, what you need and what you enjoy. (Some women find they need more “warming up” through foreplay before they even begin to feel any desire.) Establish some shared common goals for your sexual relationship. Most couples find that although the idea of setting dates for sex isn’t “romantic,” it is incredibly effective.
Pay attention to yourself as a sexual person. Most women find when they allow time for a healthy diet and exercise, they feel more in tune with their bodies, have a greater appreciation for their physical self, and in turn, feel “sexier.” Remember when you used to flirt with your husband? Focus on being playful in your marriage. Reconnect and nurture the emotional part of your relationship by going out on dates and having “mini dates” at home after work, chores and kids are put to rest for the night. Focus on moments when you do feel some sexual drive in order to build your vision of yourself as a sexual person and in charge of your own pleasure. It is unfair to expect your partner to always create the mood and do just the right things to get you turned on.
Rebuilding a fun and healthy sexual relationship is an important part of creating a strong and meaningful marriage. There are no rules here…you and your partner get to determine what is right for the two of you. Some couples find they want to have sex more frequently. Some couples find they like less frequent sex, and simply want more intimate connection when they do have sex. (And remember that in 99.9% of couples, there will always be one person who is satisfied with less sex and one person who wants more. Focus on finding a range you can both be happy with.) Together you can create a vision for this part of your relationship that feels respectful, fulfilling, and enjoyable to you both.
Philaburban Mom 
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